Every step leads to another…the first few steps are always so predictable…they make sense as we see them coming.
If only i knew that the first step will lead to step no. 25, I would never have stepped foot in that damn place.
And yes, I regret!
When I can’t stand believing the fact that I’m not with him now…when i ache just for seeing his name printed or his number ringing…when I get so mad at him only because I miss loving him so…tell me this is not true love!
When months pass and time rolls and not one inch of my being can exist without the overwhelming feeling of his emotions…When I don’t need to see him to feel him and don’t need his touch to be attracted…when i dream of his facts and realize his dreams…tell me this is not true love!
When I’d do anything for him…when I’m everything for him…when I think of him in a way i sometime imagine he crossed the see and right beside me and find him feeling the same and I find him unexpectedly near…when I mention him every time i speak….picture him everywhere i go and choose my things with his eyes…tell me this is not true love!
When I know It’s better for him to walk away and I do walk away and away and away , enduring the pain of acting I’m gone when i can’t really let go…When he’s so far from perfect and so far from suitable yet I love him for the man he is…when I can’t see any other man but him…when i can’t stand the thought of any man but him…when i can’t even like any man but him…tell me this is not true love!
When music plays our moods…the same, when words speaks our minds…the same, when we love…all love exactly the same way. When I need no finger tips to feel his caress …no eyes to feel his stare…the love that wraps the soul with such a passionate emotional sweet velvet silky ribbon is the feeling I felt with him…tell me this is not true love!
That’s how i felt when the guy working at the driving licenses office looked at me when he read that I hadn’t renewed my license since 2002!!
He asked and i had to tell the truth…yes…the last time i had a valid license to drive was six years ago…has that stopped me from driving?? nop!!
So, he asked why and could i tell him why??
Could I tell him that 18 months ago I was married to someone who some how managed to erase a lot of my will regarding the most simple issues?
Could I tell him that months went by and I couldn’t - at the time- step into any governmental office to do my basic necessary things?
Could I tell him that even after I won back ME I couldn’t pick up on a lot of simple issues because i was drowning in series of tragic struggles that I had to take a grip on to win back LIFE?!!
I just smiled and made some Egyptian lame jokes and it passed smoothly.
They had to extra check on my health and my criminal history as well…good thing they didn’t know about that guy I killed… kiddin’ 
I took the test..AGAIN, with all the young college boys and girls…I laughed the butterflies I had in my tummy away as the thoughts of failing after a 16 year driving experience scared me but what scared me more was not getting it after actually going there and applying for it!
Of course i took the whole route in less than a minute and passed with flying colors but that wasn’t the issue…it was something deep in me and the license was a symbol of a phase when i agreed to give up on so many things…on Me!!
I worked..done amazing in comparison with how late I’ve started and the limited resources i had…Success has become a high i try to maintain all the time…but I didn’t feel as free and secure and powerful as the day they handed me that little license.
I have a little smile grinning in my heart telling me…
You Have a License
It shines silver on my hair
As little devils dance in despair
Would i wait…would i dare?!
To order comfort and declare…
It won’t return…won’t
Only will it burn…don’t!
Soothing talk?
Have never heard of a curing wound… walk!
What only shines..
what fills the air…
What ignites…
The cold light of the night…
I wish to read one grateful post from you..
I wish you’d remember how i took your shit yet never harmed you..
I wish you’d show some sense and appreciate how i always cherished you while others threw tomatoes at your face.
How i saw the tender core of you while all others called you arrogant and tough..
I wish you’d post once about how have i kept your privacy..how have i admired your mind..how have i remembered you in my prayers and never wished you but what’s best.
Some people are just senseless unless they choose not to be!!
Some people are just so self-centered that they go all the extra miles to take a slap from someone while neglect your pink roses..
I wish posts would say it all..our love and rants and gratitude..our friendships and hopes and dreams along with sadness and happiness and fun…
I may be the bluest around..but i do thank my precious beloved friends and loved ones..never forget them..as they’re the roses i hand pick from the desert of life..
One post you jerk..just one post!!!
First Ramadan day ..i woke up and the first thing i remember is that i won’t be drinking any coffee..
Wanna wake up..gotta be alert..no coffee!!!
May be the shower will wake me..i let the water hit my face for several minutes..but no way..no coffee!!
I look at the watch to find that i’m already half an hour late to work and i haven’t moved yet..so i grab my cloths and all i could think of was the coffee!!
I enter my car and i see the pack of cigarretts there and i put it away in the glove compartment and i think of the cup of coffee it should go with!
So..what kind of mind that is ruled by a cup?!!
So..i hereby declare my revolution on sneaky little stuff that controls my viens..
No more coffee…..till after sunset 
Yesterday… was confession day..
Some unhidden secrets have been told.
Although I’ve learned before that confessions usually screws everything…for the first time I’ve made them willingly…
I’ve always regret saying what’s deep inside five minutes after ai do..but something encouraged me this time..something weired..
I just feel willing to open again and say what’s really inside..Enough hiding..enough fearing others..enough wanting to please and please and please..
what’s inside is as true and beautiful as i am..and others should take it into their hearts and not pass judgments..
i have to speak..it’s time to be as present as i can ever be..
Life ain’t easy..people aren’t always fun..yet..humans have to relate..Debate..articulate..give and take..
Sometimes we hide in our shells..our minds and live a picture that is only painted by our thoughts..but doing it solely..alone..makes fictionalise life..and it ain’t this way..
Living is real..may hurt..may please ..may even intimidate..we must live it anyway..to the max and as true as can be..
I drove all the way to Alexandria last Friday,alone…it was to let a broker view my daddy’s apartment in Alex…
The CD i listened to along the way were nice and helped the two hours pass so fast..i thought of nothing related to the fact that I’m gonna be entering my late father’s home for the first time after he died almost five months ago..my mind was shifting the subject on purpose..so..I spent the time talking on the phone or watching the road..thinking about what I’m gonna do next week..till i entered Alexandria and drove down that street that leads directly to the amazing beach..the most special sea breeze moved me and after a few minutes i was parking my car and on my way up to the apartment..
I walked in..i walked into someone Else’s place..his things are everywhere..not in order..not his order..so i figured that someone must have been in the apartment,and after a phone call i knew that some relatives had the keys and spent three weeks in it..summer vacation!!!
I opened his closet to find it almost empty of the huge amount of outfits he used to have..i found a gray T-shirt hanging alone with a couple of pants..i smiled at all the pictures that kept right beside his bed..that man was so cute..a baby..an old baby and his memory always makes me smile..that’s how adorable he was..
The little fridge that was always put beside the dressing table is so dirty..and i felt angry that these people treated my daddy’s place that carelessly..
This is not my place..nor their place..it’s someone Else’s!!!
His scent is everywhere..his touch in every piece of furniture he has and every glass he purchased..
I couldn’t sit anywhere but in the terrace..it hugs the sea..or else the sea hugs it..i remembered the last time we sat next to each other on that same very couch i was sitting in..looking at the sea..enjoying the amazing breeze..he was laughing proud of his taste..when he picked everything around the house exactly in sea colour..leaving the walls and marble floors and furniture in crystal white..
A piece of heaven..he called it..
I stayed there for an hour..and the broker came to see the apartment and left..it was around midnight when i finished everything i came to do..and i was too tired to drive back..so i showered..i put on the gray T-shirt i found..and returned to our seat in the terrace..
Who said i wanted to sell his place??!!
I asked myself..and i wondered why it has skipped my mind all the time..i don’t wanna sell his place..to become some one Else’s!!!
Yet i don’t have the several hundreds of thousands of pounds to pay off the rest of the family…
I kept remembering him sitting next to me watching the sea..so i put on my clothes and drove back to Cairo at 4:00 am..
I was kind of scared..it was too dark and suddenly the high way was blocked by very thick fog..i couldn’t see five feet ahead..the cars had their fog lights and flashers on and we drove 60 Km/hr..it wasn’t till the rest house half way to Cairo that the fog retreated and we started to accelerate again..all the way i was still thinking of him..and what has become of my life..
My mind opened for new thoughts..vague new choices..and stupid decisions..
Silly heart failure..and desperate needs drove me to Cairo..right back to him!!
Knows how to feel..express..giving..crowns his love as the queen..BUT..Too young!!!
Experienced wolf..amazing attraction..harmony beyond comprehension..BUT..Married!!!
Appreciative..strong..sweet..attractive..BUT..limited sources!!!
Some thing’s gotta be missing ..oh..i forgot one more type…the one who acts and make you fall madly in love for him ..leaving you always breathless and aching..then turns out to be a B*****!!
So..call that what?!!!
So..should one be patient and wait for the complete..or settles for the great things he is having even though it’s short on something?!!
Big Q ..ha!!
It has been on my mind lately..
What is the right thing to do..should women wear it anyway cause it’s religious..or should they prepare what’s inside them so that the normal result of inner purity is to cover up..
Is it the most critical issue in out lives..or there are more important significant matters that needs handling..or is it the devil who is messing with my mind??!!
Too many questions run through my mind when i weigh actions Vs appearance..when i see it more of a trend than of respecting a religious order from Allah..
Doing it anyway..or balancing the soul first so it can be honest..
Honest veil from the inside out Vs veil !!!
I thought i was too old to think so..being veiled for the past nine years myself..but when your life changes and you start seeing a different picture ..you look at things differently..a year ago i would have screamed my thought out to oblige veil over anything else even if it’s pure appearance and not the echo of the faith inside..thinking that with time hearts come around..and to obey is the only goal what ever the way..
Now..i just don’t know..i honestly don’t!
Yes..i’m working today too..although i resigned last wednesday..
Now i know i’m workcoholic..now i know something is wrong with me..i asked for a raise and a different title and they said ok..i work as if it’s my own company..i have full access,control and power..yet i resigned..it drained me..but showed up at work again..as inthusiastic..even to save a deal i will work today..
What do u call that?!! yeah..silly i guess..why would i quit??
That’s a secret..
I think that i need a long vacation..inshallah i’ll plan for one next weekend..maybe take the kids and enjoy Alex a bit..
can i ask u to remember me in your prayers with much doaa..may allah cure me…ameen.
Good morning dear bloggers
Is this a nice day or what?!
Well..as i drank my coffee..along with the sandwich followed by the juice yeah..a little bit hungry :D..i thought i’d fill you in with my updates..
I was sick..now i’m cured..
Mr.Khara..is tamed now and soooo nice..running around all day to feed me back with every detail he’s doing..actually he’s being too good to be true..and nags too 
I’m enthusiastic about work again and got the idea of leaving totally out of my head..at least for now..i have an important meeting today at noon..keep your fingers crossed for me pleaaaaaaaase..so i’m all dressed up and will go to my office in a little while to prepare my paper.
I have to say i’m so sorry for being away from other blogs not commenting enough..please pardon me and hopefully i’ll return to my routine shortly..
I’m redecorating my home..demolished every tile and coat of paint..thanks dear mom for the efforts while i’m at work..
kids are so sweet..i miss their little hands hugging me all day..i get a few when i’m at home..so..thank god for jojo’s kisses
Another very nice thing happening soon Inshallah..they are making a special ceremony for my late father may allah’s mercy be upon him in Alexandria’s International song festival next week Inshallah..i’ll take certificate of honor..i’m so excited and thrilled..i know he would have loved it..and loved me to be there for him..i’m so emotional about dad..he’s with me all the time..always thinking about him and feeling him…i miss him so much..so much..last night i cried myself to sleep cause i really wanted to call him..just dial his no. and hearing him answer..
About love..cause u know that’s important..it’s there..filling my heart..enjoying it..but why the hell does it have to hurt..sting..burn at the same time..keeping a cold void in the chest..
I feel allah will bless me soon by getting back on track again after being mashed lately..i’m kind of sorted out a little bit..
Hoping for what ever is good..
Hoping the best to you guys..
Have a great day
I breath Influenced art..
Well yeah am by this great easy slick writer..Paulo Coelho is so great simply because he’s simple..
I’m sure I’ll be posting this someday although now I’m in no mood for anything in this whole nasty world..
looking at my nails hitting the letters while I’m writing this now tells me I’ve grown claws again..sweet little angel who has a hobby of being kicked in the but simple because she fails to see anything but what she wants and desires to see..is that stupid or what?!!
Well..i wish there was any other way but choosing from two options..either to be the evil cold hearted bitch or the sweet kicked little..mmm..i guess bitch too..
Maybe wanting to be one thing is as draining as being nothing at all..people can live all their lives never knowing what jerks they were..the question is..are they really OK with either crocked souls..or is it a big fat act??
Behind the glassy eyes and soft toned voices lies natures as variant as all the colours,shades and scents of the world..
And my colours are amongst them no doubt about that..
Back to coelho..he’s simple yet his beauty lies in understanding his complicated nature simply!
Do i know mine?..yes..i do..do i agree with it and accept it??hell no
But why is that ms. i must ask..is it because you’ve been stepped on by people you loved because of that nature? is it because you wanted what seems simple to ask while the world laughed at the impossibility of it’s existence? or is it because you still want what you seem to be doomed of starving all your life?
Too many questions..with dry..shattered answers that will never feed your knowledge.
So,
Better loose all interest in human kindness..gentleness and emotions are vanished except in fairy tales..
Frozen madame..that’s what you should be..and Hat Tip to you Coelho!
Look..I’ve had it with this guy..up till here..I’m this = close to punching him in the eye!
So damn provocative..so cheesy .. so silly and lunatic arrogant over nothing..
Let me tell you the story first,
Ok..I’ll calm down..I’m the CEO’s assistant..apply his strategy,supervise progress and control everything till he is at the office ( travels a lot )then we go for meetings and business as usual..
Everything was amazingly well till Mr. khara camse over for sales..frowning, dumb,talks bad about the projects and neglects clients unless they come for the big pieces of the cake..the result was trying to cut the damage and reporting him while mending the outsourcing companies we are dealing with from his screws!
Mr. khara has a huge problem..he finds women bateekh and doesn’t want to relate nor answer to me..so..he’s a block i have to put away to make my job right..but i have a good heart and i don’t want to be rude..
Mr. khara and as another act of dumbness goes to the CEO telling him that he has trouble reporting to me..so i was called for that meeting where the CEO tells him in clear words..you have a problem..fix it cause Mrs. Rasha represents me in everything when I’m not here and that won’t change!
so..five minutes later Mr. khara said what to me…come on..guess..well..that smart ass said: OK..fine..i agree..but don’t ask about my work and I’ll go for the CEO on my own…
so..i held myself from grabbing something to be broken over his head and said..OK..fine..i agree..i do my work my way and in details and if you have a problem..shove it!
All other more experienced employees have a great team spirit and get along fine..he is really really irritating me with the smug smile and the faces he does when you talk to him looking down at everyone around..
yesterday i was about to leave and quit..i swear i was about to but my CEO embarrassed me with being so sick that day and telling me..wait till next week and we’ll talk and settle this..
guys..any tips??!!
I have been addicted to this band for quiet sometime now..since i was a teen i loved them but recently their strings have been amazingly moving to me..
Great for the long ride to work..great with a moody blue mood and with flowing senses of love and with a fresh funny spirit that would want to be SWINGING BY THE POOL 
The most amazing heart beat of the guitar of MARK KNOBFLER in the hit PRIVATE INVESTIGATION..
Come on watch the video..no no..just listen..
At last..some time off..
After two weeks of nothing but work almost 18 hours a day..
Don’t ask why all that time..let me tell you
My boss the boss of all bosses decided to make me a boss when he’s away in Dubai doing the bossing somewhere else..So, i have to know every single detail about the company along with my normal work as bossing the boss’s time and schedule as i’m assisting him .
So..my head is a data jam right now and i know no rest yet i enjoy almost every second of it..Business and the mind game is so exciting and interesting that i really think that after a while i should have my own business to boss around full time..hahahaha do i sound silly?!
well..don’t know..
Anyway..friday is nice..very nice..right now as i write this they are sitting next to me on the couch watching donald duck right after we’ve just finished watching spiderman..no no ..not too much watching..we’re just making up for the past week..
I try my best to make it up to them and i’m taking them in a while inshallah for bike shopping
hassan wants a spiderman bike and jomana didn’t say yet but most properly she’ll pick a pinkinsh bike or a fulla one or something
Did i tell you that i lost some more weight..going steady to the MOZZA lane hahaha
Yalla..allah yestor :D
I expressed some of my feelings on THECALLER..some thoughts can’t be said except in Arabic i guess..and while i was writing there i couldn’t attache my news to those set of feelings..they felt worlds apart..don’t know why exactly but again..this is how it felt!
Am i too wrong when i judge most things basically on how i feel about them??is that unrealistic or unprofessional??
Well it never harmed me and rarely did it prove wrong..so i guess it’s just the way i am..
Out of the blue i was granted a meeting with a very respectable Man..and minutes after that ..and to my surprise..he became my new Boss..
Yes..you got that right..NOW..of all times..i’m changing my career..totally..
From Education and literature to Assisting the Head consultant of a major investment Company..
Wasn’t planned..and this is what i loved about it..unplanned,comfortable feeling about everything..and a strange confidence that i would do fine if allah wills in that position..
Maybe studying law and having that strange mind of mine that loves to absorb any passing thing is what made me appear fit for this position..anyway..days will tell cause i had to postpone my approval after studying g the nature of the position..cause i won’t take it if i can’t do it perfectly!
Wish me well..as i’m a living proof that allah gives from his mercy to bat on our hearts some tenderness in hard times..
So if you have any tips about the new job..i’ll be most grateful..wa menkom nasrafeed
And life goes on..i know that it does..eventually..yet i hate that..
I look at myself and relatives..sitting on his sofa..using his stuff and discussing his belongings and life..as if it’s ours now..and he is..simply doesn’t exist anymore..so..what he wants doesn’t really matter to some..
Well..it matters to me and my brother and sister..but..how come we can’t endure that he can no longer breath..while we breath and eat and drink and will be having his money and things..
Yes..this is Allah’s will and yes this is life..i know and have faith and obey..but human comprehension is disabled in-front of great facts like death..the vanishing of someone..a person..a life.. a love..a big love and source of love for other lives..
Life changes forever..for people like us..and everyone can’t understand the fear we’re in..cause yes..now that we’ve seen it happen to our own dad..our reason of being..we now realize that we’re leaving to the same ending too..
The strangest thing..is that the more i feel scared..the more attached am to life and persistent to live it..
How come i’m not shelled praying all the time..is my heart becoming hard and cruel??
I guess something is wrong with me..as i don’t feel totally awake nor aware yet!!
Or maybe too many banging on the head does that to people like me..i become numb..or mislead..
Frankly..now..i have no idea..i really have no idea what will happen next..what will be of me??
All i know is that i’m scared yet moving unconsciously..but i’m moving..doing..making decisions..important ones..i seem OK..but i know me..i’m about to fall and break..and the stick that holds me..is a little bit of ego..
Last tuesday was the last day in this great man’s life..
Dady..the hug i always needed and ran to ..the hug that endured everyone he ever knew and sometimes didn’t even know..
May allah have mercy on you..
I love you..awe…
