My problems…my mirror

last night i went to that huge shopping centre to get my self a pair of black winter shoes.

I searched for a specific shop and walked around for more than 40 minutes to find that exact shop…because…i have bought last year a pair that i loved and were perfect for me…they wore out…i looked around the shop for the exact pair or anything similar…i found none!

I asked the salesman about the pair i wanted…i talked passionately about it that he kept searching other branches and his storage room for a forgotten pair…he found it for me…but in brown…they were amazing…but i needed the back…since most of my outfits need black…i thanked him and walked away disappointed…i didn’t get the pair i wanted and i saw nothing else that looked remotely tempting among ALL the shoe stores in the place.

i walked around and checked many shops hoping to find anything close to what i wanted…i found none!

As i walked for more than one hour (and this is really not my type…i don’t hang out in malls…i know what i want i grab it quickly and leave)…people looked at me and i looked at them…girls looked nicely dressed…nicely groomed…rarely did i find one who looked pretty except two veiled girls who were very very beautiful…a thought of comparison passed by and i found no answer because for a little while i had no set picture of myself in my mind…i had no idea if i was even pretty…i passed by a mirror and i cared to check…i liked how my face looked…how my outfit complimented my eyes…and i spoted the defaults in my body and felt sick!

I walked away…faster…maybe some more power walking would melt some of the fat.

Again i focused on that pair of shoes i died for…and i was very annoyed by the fact that my visit to the most prestigious shopping place in Egypt didn’t get me even an empty bag…the thought of not finding anything that felt like it was suitable for me is weired…and made me think about my expectations…needs…opinions…factors of comfort i needed.

Am i real…should i stay convinced that being special and unique is good although it is not ordinary lots of the time?

Am i demanding?

Is it absolutely right to demand a personal preference?

Should i compromise and cope?

should i get any black pair of shoes that looked nice and let go of my favorite one?

I know…my problems…my own defaults in the mirror…i gotta know the answers all by myself and be fine with them.

Have a great day.

The closure hit the fan!!

It was ugly…that damn Sunday i experienced yesterday and up until earlier today.

I had mixed emotions between anger, sadness and guilt…resulted a clean cut in my heart.

But today is a new day and since the shit has hit the fan…all is out in the open…i am glad things are closed now…abso- fuckin’-lutly better than later.

a very fucked up person once told me (he is wise in certain issues i guess) that phases will run through us anyway…yet we have the choice how to live them.

I promised myself after many trials that i will never be walked all over again if i ever discovered deception…and here i am…acting upon my promise.

No more the fool.

No more allowing shit to disgrace me.

No more hoping delusionally for shit to turn to roses.

No more blind folding my eyes to not see it.

No more….No fucking more.

 

Non sticky handshakes and more…

And winter is brushing the town smoothly to remind us of its existence after a long sweaty summer.

The coats are out…the extra blankets…the hot night drinks and loads of stuff to watch just to kill the long winter nights.

People will go to work everyday less cranky…no heat = no traffic fights… yet traffic will jam more than ever during the day and until early at night when streets are gonna look abandoned at 9 pm… and days are looking jammed with school buses already.

No more cooling water melon snacks…more lentil soup…the number one official warming soup.

Hot chocolate -for some- will graciously replace shakes and ice cream is gonna disappear from super markets (but not from bas kin robins…thank god!!)

Less water consumed around the country as people will despise cold exposures and there for will feel reluctant to have baths

Less sex (fact…unless you have central heating in Egypt and that’s rare to say the least!!)

Long -or short- leather boots.

Non sticky hands…not so smelly kisses…no shiny skin and no runny make up.

lower electricity bills…GOD!! those have been jumping off the roof lately!!!

more urges to have long walks…more amusing day time outings…

Seas and shores would be a nice sight…not a place to strip and have a cooling dip.

Scarfs will wrap almost every neck…coats will hang on almost every arm waiting for that extra chill that call for an extra cover…

Special evenings like the new year will have its own  type of warmth…a new beginning and refreshed hopes and wishes will make sure it is warm.

People fall more out of love…but other people commit forever stronger because of the closeness.

The hugs that replace the heaters…spooning would be an instant sleeping aid.

The closed windows and thick shades.

Who’s lonely will get more alone…who has a partner will feel blessed.

The sky is prettier…the roads are shinier and the trees are clean…the air is not as polluted…the fragrances are fresh and the skies do shower us with that amazing gift of rain sometimes just to remind us that not only tears do fall.

I don’t know about other sides of the world..i just know this…i am prettier in winter and so is my country.

Hello YO…nice dear chic elegant and sometimes sad winter.

I just love you.

A scared little boy

He called his mom shivering and crying just like any 8 year old who was scared.

He asked her to leave work and come to his rescue…He thought he heard noises…at few min just past his bed time…everyone at home was asleep but him…he was sitting in that dark bedroom afraid and couldn’t sleep.

She soothed him with securing words and tender motherly tune of voice and made sure he understood that the noises he thought he heard had sources…a neighbor or someone on the streets…she talked him into having a snack and a glass of milk…she pampered him with nice words and talked to him into watching some cartoon till he falls asleep…he text her minutes after that he has done as she recommended, that he loved her very much, that he feels ok and that he’s sleeping right away.

 

Aren’t we all just like that scared little boy?!!

Don’t we all need the soothing loving words and the assuring voice?!!

I did something…I saw nothing

Now i realize it. I lost focus. My therapist would be mad at me if she read this.

I did things…mostly bad to myself and maybe others for the past seven months.

I saw nothing of the reality of my actions and the life around me.

I just felt…and i acted upon that feeling.

I felt i needed in so i jumped in…i felt i needed out so i went crazy out.

Irrational actions…mixed feelings and undetermined thoughts.

Incomplete decisions.

I realize at fractions of a second what i should do…then why i thought so and how I’m gonna act on that get blurry and i loose focus for a long time or till i wake on another ache or shock…and i repeat the focus/ blur paradox again.

I knew once that realizing I have a problem is the most important step towards cure…I do now…but my heart keeps failing me to speak or act.

My heart drags me down…my insecurities haunt me…my fears block all light.

and i doubt…I doubt what i think is right…and i also doubt what my heart wants…

I have reached out for help today…

I have returned to my last anchor and read what i wrote then…i believed it so much…yet, i didn’t apply one single word of it…i let the shit around me drown me and i let my heart fail me and i allowed my mind to shut.

I don’t even think i can do anything now to handle the situation I’ve just wrote here…

There’s only one thing i could do…

and I’ll do it.