I have no idea about this Monday..it was a full- filled day with all various kinds of senses..don’t worry..i’m not ranting..i’m too tired to do that..i’m only recalling it out loud maybe i get something meaningful.

7:00 am and i’m off to work..i was responsible for the boy’s examination hall..they were nice and funny and the exam went smoothly with no hard time although they were the older boys who tend to be naughty ..yet..things went smoothly and it was better when i shared a very nice team with my friends there as we sat in the garden enjoying the warm sun and the cool breeze..we couldn’t stop laughing!

I wonder if i feel real fun or pretend it..i make jokes all the time..i laugh when ever i can and that’s a lot..i can easily find humour and beauty in everything..yet..is it real??i never had any doubts regarding how real i am..but recently i had simply because the soft pain in my heart never goes away..never even when my eyes tear of laughter..i still ache!

After work i headed straight to the mechanic’s where i spent a very very dull time watching him exchange the parts he thought made the trouble..and i was about to cry really..chocked when after all those days and waiting..which is the most hateful thing to me..and all the parts i bought…nothing was fixed..i would’ve smashed something then!!

How can kindness and anger merge..come together..how can i..feel this rage..yes..the car thing made me mad..but what really chocked me and made me breathless and shed frustrated tears?!!was it the car?!!!

I felt as if i wanna reach out for help..i tried to..i failed..so i kept the wheels turning and went to the appointment i had down town..how could i concentrate to say one logic sentence..?!! i had no idea..i got away with it but i doubt it was me or what is close to my abilities..lost focus totally..distracted to the extent that i can’t remember all the conversation..

I searched for answers..and the only thing i found was BLANK..a void..an achy heart and a troubled soul..and to be frank..i’m too..excessively lonely..and this big world is maybe too big for me and the heroic attitude sometimes fail me..strong willed i am..smart i know..but maybe..and this is something i realized now as i write this..maybe what tired me is that i don’t have the chance to practice some luxurious weakness..normal vulnerability..

Maybe too much work and busy schedules can be a little too much..even my pride and joy..my kids..spend most day at school and sleep at six..i can’t even enjoy them enough..

Therefore..today..i don’t know this Monday..and i have no idea about me..

Maybe i need more night prayers..not maybe..I’m sure i do!!