The good point might be, why think of what remains of it if it passed and became a yesterday already?!!

I know…yet, yesterday didn’t pass yet…its remains are making me blurry and numb…If different aspects of life create US then I’m…I’m…

I’m work: I want to stop letting him have that much effect on me, when he’s satisfied and recognizes my efforts I’m on top of the world, when he’s cranky and wants too much, I’m sensitive and down…Well, isn’t it enough already…Enough!

I’m friends: Hmm, OK…

I’m Home: And home is killing me and taring my heart apart…My mom is drained i guess…or, not patient enough with my kids…or, i don’t know what might be it…but something has been wrong…Last night how i saw my son act…how i saw mom act…I felt that all my hard work in raising them as great as i once thought is falling apart…I felt endangered…I had to step in…act like a mom for a change…the father role has to stop for the time being… I regained control and rabeit welady…I expressed my worries, talked them over, yelled at times…I asked my son to swallow his tears and EXPRESS whatever worries, questions or anger he might had…and the boy spoke, as he did, telling me how he saw things mom say or do unreasonable for him and as i explained as honest as possible and as respectful as i could i  thanked god that boy has been given the chance to think, speak and discuss…I applied my rules…he didn’t fight them because he understood…he followed…went to bed and left me torn…I fear for my kids…I ached deeply to the extent of crying hard because of fear and pain for the slightest probability that my circumstances might hurt them or cause them any damage…just picturing that anything in my life, anything i would do might cause them any kind of disturbance just kills me…and yes, my choice of leaving his dad -no matter what were my reasons- rose up to my cloud of thinking (I chose to leave him…they are without a dad because of my decision)

Especially now, at this point in my life, when i allowed myself to  love to the extent of commitment…tailored i might add…for my kids’ security and peace…yet, the very thought of how any choice of mine might make my kids sad or disoriented for a second drives me crazy and makes me willing to abandon life itself to avoid that.

I was drained by around 2 am, lack of sleep for the past two days drained me…shedding too many fearful tears drained me…I didn’t decide anything other than taking time off work and focusing on my kids…and next week , god willing, I will do that.

Sometimes I find myself defending myself in front of…me!

I have to work to support my family…my work requires long hours and too much stress…I also have to be with my kids fully as they need me at this age…I have a degree to attain which has really become bay5a lately…I have “A” to think of, love, care for, cherish and give as much attention as humans can endure…I wanna make a difference in this life, I don’t want to live and die and not say a word nor change a thing, with all the ugliness in this world, I wanna try apply beauty or justice or give myself and others a glimpse of light towards freedom. yeah, I’m asking for  that much from myself…I also want to be happy and fulfilled for a change…it has been years of loneliness and heartache!!

May be I am supposed to accept being all that at the same time…Maybe that’s just my ability and role…all I have to do is just accept the hustle!

I’m Love: and because it is not ordinary, not like anything i ever felt, not like anything i ever knew and exactly what I need….I gave in to surrendering myself to a new chapter…

Time is my enemy…I don’t have much time…

I’m devoted to important people in my life: My guarding angel warned me, stating it’s a risk i won’t handle…clarifying i had enough hardship and no need to add to my history more pain…and i didn’t listen…cause i think we all strive to live fully…complete what’s empty and gain what we lack…

I didn’t listen because i still follow the heart that has caused me so much pain before…I still follow the fool…yet now, I am positive it is not fooling me…and arrogantly i believe i deserve some untamed happiness…I’m just claiming my right at trying!

I’m reacting: yesterday was full of death, Mubarak’s Grand son, i was really sad and really angry at people bashing his family at such times…no wonder people talked compassion obligations…yeah, they knew some sick hearts and gonna speak bad about the family at this time… Insomniac was in mourning for the past few days as well, and last night right as i was trying to distract myself from a crying seizure…i watched Grey’s anatomy E24 and the scene where Izzy and George were dying really really ada 3alaya…

What remained of yesterday is now dumped…what remained of yesterday will not worry me anymore as I’m acting on it…

Or that’s what i say to myself…