I couldn’t express myself here on blog nor with friends because i didn’t wanna end their (Inso. in particular) short span of happiness with worries about me.

So, for the past three days the following has occurred:

- My ex show up leaving my kids and myself very disturbed and unbalanced.

- My boss managed to piss me off to the extent of leaving the office and going on a strike.

- My mom isn’t feeling well…her health bothers her and I bother her.

- “A” has never been that depressed since his hardship began.

And I…I am exposed to the tides of all these…

The most disturbing of all is the Ex deciding to show up all wasted and stir my kids emotions hard then disappear again.

The most disturbing is discovering from my 8 year old boy feelings and ideas he has been having for years now…very difficult thoughts and feelings…nightmares about his dad and the wife…disturbed confused feelings about family talk that – lelasaf – grownups couldn’t think better than speaking in front of a 6 year old (my son’s age back then).

Kids demand what i can’t give simply because they don’t understand how bad it is…yet, it leaves me very sad to see my son trying hard to fight his tears…then fail as they drop while he explains confused feelings that hurt.

I have great worries about the life I’m planning to have for them and for me now that the ex gloom have filled our sky…

silly enough…I have nothing in my hands to do now but wait a bit for things to calm down…i am staying home till next week…work will wait…it’s shitty anyway…i need to be close to my kids…and wait…the painful dreadful waiting.

Have i mentioned how dreadful waiting is…I’m waiting for “A” to come home…waiting for things to calm…yet…mainly I’m waiting for my share of peace and some happiness…i don’t think it’s much to ask…

I am waiting…

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