I never forget that day, i was driving on the ring road heading back home after a hard day of teaching 8 classes per day at a school that paid me 600 EGP per month, then going so far to gesr elsuez road to teach privately a challenged child that needed help and who’s mother paid me 30 EGP persession twice a week…it was a hard day because i was so tired, felt sorry for myself as every inch of my body ached…I had to get food for my kids…and back then, i was punished for ending a hurtful marriage and my dad cut me off completely…afternoon that winter day, it was raining…my tiny old car couldn’t fight the strong wind that actually was about to push it off the road…i held the steering wheel with both hands and bent over on it with my chest trying to stabilize the wheels…i was taking the slippery ring road back home…i was thinking a million sad, tired and frustrated thought…and the old cracked tape played Michael Jackson covering “smile“

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You’ll get by…

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just…

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just…

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You’ll get by…

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile…

That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

The way he sung it…on that afternoon…was really sad… felt he is singing for me and asking me to smile…but there’s a sad tune in his voice singing it…so tears relieved me…and his sad tempo was the compassion i needed.

I have grown up listening to MJ as a teen, as the 80s had a king and a queen…Jackson and Madonna…to me and most of my generation he was astonishing….his amazing moon walk was copied all over the world and all over Egypt’s discos and parties…he had something very sweet about him as a black man…and he had something very true about him as a white man…he did what he wanted and he sung what he felt…Dirty Diana was about him being cheated on, Liberian girl was about the most beautiful girl he has ever seen and she was Liberian, Thriller was about the unique artist he was and with it he made history, leave me alone was addressed to the paparazzi who chocked him with gossip and interference, man in the mirror was about his flashlight in the face of severe judgment and injustice towards his personal preferences and many other great songs, with his amazing vocals and amazing talent as a musician, dancer, song writer and singer.

Today, his death really felt awful…it is like a piece of my teen years has lost it’s grounds…I loved his music…I didn’t buy all the gossip…it came out of hate and people thought of him as a good catch for embezzlement…he had a great smile, a smile of a child….so damn sweet…and then he had changed his skin, looked different, but never acted nor sounded different….people mocked him and hated him for being different yet that never stopped him from being copied all over the world…and never stopped the world from admiring his exceptional talent.

It feels awful that he is dead, it feels weired as too many memories connected to his songs are jumping up and down in front of my eyes…Tarek Michael heheh a 13 year old boy who imitated him perfectly, my neighbor from an old house and a weired phase…Palma discotheque where I and my friends used to dance to MJ music on weekends with our glitter sprayed hair and flashy gloves…my wall to wall poster ed room that witnessed too many trials to master the dangerous  routine… tens of tapes recorded my voice singing along with the moon walker video…and that afternoon when he sung…smile.