last night i went to that huge shopping centre to get my self a pair of black winter shoes.

I searched for a specific shop and walked around for more than 40 minutes to find that exact shop…because…i have bought last year a pair that i loved and were perfect for me…they wore out…i looked around the shop for the exact pair or anything similar…i found none!

I asked the salesman about the pair i wanted…i talked passionately about it that he kept searching other branches and his storage room for a forgotten pair…he found it for me…but in brown…they were amazing…but i needed the back…since most of my outfits need black…i thanked him and walked away disappointed…i didn’t get the pair i wanted and i saw nothing else that looked remotely tempting among ALL the shoe stores in the place.

i walked around and checked many shops hoping to find anything close to what i wanted…i found none!

As i walked for more than one hour (and this is really not my type…i don’t hang out in malls…i know what i want i grab it quickly and leave)…people looked at me and i looked at them…girls looked nicely dressed…nicely groomed…rarely did i find one who looked pretty except two veiled girls who were very very beautiful…a thought of comparison passed by and i found no answer because for a little while i had no set picture of myself in my mind…i had no idea if i was even pretty…i passed by a mirror and i cared to check…i liked how my face looked…how my outfit complimented my eyes…and i spoted the defaults in my body and felt sick!

I walked away…faster…maybe some more power walking would melt some of the fat.

Again i focused on that pair of shoes i died for…and i was very annoyed by the fact that my visit to the most prestigious shopping place in Egypt didn’t get me even an empty bag…the thought of not finding anything that felt like it was suitable for me is weired…and made me think about my expectations…needs…opinions…factors of comfort i needed.

Am i real…should i stay convinced that being special and unique is good although it is not ordinary lots of the time?

Am i demanding?

Is it absolutely right to demand a personal preference?

Should i compromise and cope?

should i get any black pair of shoes that looked nice and let go of my favorite one?

I know…my problems…my own defaults in the mirror…i gotta know the answers all by myself and be fine with them.

Have a great day.

It was ugly…that damn Sunday i experienced yesterday and up until earlier today.

I had mixed emotions between anger, sadness and guilt…resulted a clean cut in my heart.

But today is a new day and since the shit has hit the fan…all is out in the open…i am glad things are closed now…abso- fuckin’-lutly better than later.

a very fucked up person once told me (he is wise in certain issues i guess) that phases will run through us anyway…yet we have the choice how to live them.

I promised myself after many trials that i will never be walked all over again if i ever discovered deception…and here i am…acting upon my promise.

No more the fool.

No more allowing shit to disgrace me.

No more hoping delusionally for shit to turn to roses.

No more blind folding my eyes to not see it.

No more….No fucking more.

And winter is brushing the town smoothly to remind us of its existence after a long sweaty summer.

The coats are out…the extra blankets…the hot night drinks and loads of stuff to watch just to kill the long winter nights.

People will go to work everyday less cranky…no heat = no traffic fights… yet traffic will jam more than ever during the day and until early at night when streets are gonna look abandoned at 9 pm… and days are looking jammed with school buses already.

No more cooling water melon snacks…more lentil soup…the number one official warming soup.

Hot chocolate -for some- will graciously replace shakes and ice cream is gonna disappear from super markets (but not from bas kin robins…thank god!!)

Less water consumed around the country as people will despise cold exposures and there for will feel reluctant to have baths

Less sex (fact…unless you have central heating in Egypt and that’s rare to say the least!!)

Long -or short- leather boots.

Non sticky hands…not so smelly kisses…no shiny skin and no runny make up.

lower electricity bills…GOD!! those have been jumping off the roof lately!!!

more urges to have long walks…more amusing day time outings…

Seas and shores would be a nice sight…not a place to strip and have a cooling dip.

Scarfs will wrap almost every neck…coats will hang on almost every arm waiting for that extra chill that call for an extra cover…

Special evenings like the new year will have its own  type of warmth…a new beginning and refreshed hopes and wishes will make sure it is warm.

People fall more out of love…but other people commit forever stronger because of the closeness.

The hugs that replace the heaters…spooning would be an instant sleeping aid.

The closed windows and thick shades.

Who’s lonely will get more alone…who has a partner will feel blessed.

The sky is prettier…the roads are shinier and the trees are clean…the air is not as polluted…the fragrances are fresh and the skies do shower us with that amazing gift of rain sometimes just to remind us that not only tears do fall.

I don’t know about other sides of the world..i just know this…i am prettier in winter and so is my country.

Hello YO…nice dear chic elegant and sometimes sad winter.

I just love you.

He called his mom shivering and crying just like any 8 year old who was scared.

He asked her to leave work and come to his rescue…He thought he heard noises…at few min just past his bed time…everyone at home was asleep but him…he was sitting in that dark bedroom afraid and couldn’t sleep.

She soothed him with securing words and tender motherly tune of voice and made sure he understood that the noises he thought he heard had sources…a neighbor or someone on the streets…she talked him into having a snack and a glass of milk…she pampered him with nice words and talked to him into watching some cartoon till he falls asleep…he text her minutes after that he has done as she recommended, that he loved her very much, that he feels ok and that he’s sleeping right away.

Aren’t we all just like that scared little boy?!!

Don’t we all need the soothing loving words and the assuring voice?!!

Now i realize it. I lost focus. My therapist would be mad at me if she read this.

I did things…mostly bad to myself and maybe others for the past seven months.

I saw nothing of the reality of my actions and the life around me.

I just felt…and i acted upon that feeling.

I felt i needed in so i jumped in…i felt i needed out so i went crazy out.

Irrational actions…mixed feelings and undetermined thoughts.

Incomplete decisions.

I realize at fractions of a second what i should do…then why i thought so and how I’m gonna act on that get blurry and i loose focus for a long time or till i wake on another ache or shock…and i repeat the focus/ blur paradox again.

I knew once that realizing I have a problem is the most important step towards cure…I do now…but my heart keeps failing me to speak or act.

My heart drags me down…my insecurities haunt me…my fears block all light.

and i doubt…I doubt what i think is right…and i also doubt what my heart wants…

I have reached out for help today…

I have returned to my last anchor and read what i wrote then…i believed it so much…yet, i didn’t apply one single word of it…i let the shit around me drown me and i let my heart fail me and i allowed my mind to shut.

I don’t even think i can do anything now to handle the situation I’ve just wrote here…

There’s only one thing i could do…

and I’ll do it.

Disclaimer: The bitch here is not meant to be a bad person…just a woman who knows her way around life…nude life!

She smiled the “I know what is wrong with you”  smile… she sat me down beside her on the big sofa…handed me a cigarette…put her hand on my leg and said: What is it in you that scares people away?! she laughed at the stupid look on my face as it was so obvious that i didn’t get what she meant.

I replied: I don’t think i do anything to scare people away…am i an evil person??

She said: Not even if you tried to hehe…you just seem too private…too smart…too firm…people can’t read you…it’s like you are locking yourself in a shell and won’t let anyone in.

Her words hurt me and i hardly swallowed a tear and  said: What am i supposed to do?!! jump all over people and let them screw my life…I am just a tad quite and respectful…I harm no one…so what would scare them off??

She said: I am not talking about all people…i am talking about men…they either approach you not minding that firmness and wit but they end up hurting you…or they get scared from it so they choose not to approach.

I said (I really meant it back then) while laughing hard: who said i give a damn…I want none…because of exactly what you said…they hurt me…and i will not allow anyone to do that to me again…so…i don’t give a damn if i scare them off…

She said: let me give you some advice regardless of that blabber that make you so happy about yourself…If you wanna be happy…you gotta be the Diva….Men are either a child or a father…they prefer the first…they prefer to not get what is behind you…they love you vague…unreachable…subtle…they may be happy to see your love and take your tenderness but with time they will feel powerful and turn the table…they will be the dads…they will control you…choke you…make fun of you…with time, you will be less interesting.

I said: I doubt all men deal this way…I refuse to believe that being frank, loving and giving will result this cruel reaction…and i believe so because i believe in kindness and purity…I believe in goodness…

and i do…I believe In goodness…I believe In goodness.

And no matter what happens…When it comes to men or all people…No matter how human nature screws up what’s good at times… I still don’t give a damn…I won’t be the Diva…and I will believe in goodness.

I’ll just make sure i am content again.

* It is Ironic how the same situation happening to two different people can mean absolutely two different meanings…two self centered different meanings!

* It is devastating to care against the change of someone or something in your life to the extent of absolute fear!

* Men and women are in fact equal in one thing: they both die inside if they felt they mean nothing sensually and intimately to the other!

* Once, a girl was drowning and her mother was on shore frustrated…looking for her sun tan oil…the girl survived…the drowning!

* It’s when she realizes she better dies than be half a woman…a frame of a woman…in her lover’s eyes.

* If she is someone that only worth something to give…then he better find a heartless “thing” to share his life with.

* Honesty…is meant to be essential to oneself…not only to others, in that case…honesty converts to lying to both!

After a 35 years of life ups and downs i realized just lately what is the one thing that elevates the glow in me, the charm, the wit that leads to success and enjoyment.

In my career…the highlights of my work experience was when i was indulged into that special magic potion that makes everything go great.

In my love life, my friendships…outings and good times…the great ones always involved that magic potion.

Mine is FREEDOM

I did great at my company for three years because i was given enough freedom to treat the company as my own…i practiced my authority very wisely (yes i believe i did ) because i judged myself more strictly than my boss judged me.

I watch my behavior and my steps more cautiously when i am free either by having no interference from my significant other, parents or nosey relatives.

I take care of my health and exercise when i’m not criticized of what i eat and how i lack sports.

I have the greatest time with my kids that is full of fun and education when no older eye monitors and never cease to stop remarking all the time.

Freedom makes me more beautiful…more cheered…more righteous…more balanced…more glowing and more successful.

Yet, it takes a whole lot of character, will and wisdom to give it and to maintain it.

It’s a leap of faith actually.

Best thing is…when the ultimate sensation of freedom is combined with intimate relationships that never aim to tie/ choke that freedom.

May be now that new pages is turning in both personal and professional lives i’ll glow again.

hope so.

My doctor smiled and said: Hi, Vertigo.

I had called him earlier to ask for an appointment, i explained how i felt…it was like dying…like being in a washing machine spinning and the world is spinning around me…it’s scary to suddenly loose all balance even to open my eyes and i knew it was sever vertigo (the inner ear thingy that causes shortage of oxygen leading to the brain and causes imbalance).

He prescribed the necessary, instructed full rest and no driving or work ( which really goes without saying)

What is more weired than feeling that the ceiling is collapsing upon my head is, the sudden – not really – awareness that i am no longer the burden free, responsibility free, free young lady i used to be.

I am a very grown up woman with lots of work that needs to be done almost every minute to keep people around her happy…significant people that provide the utmost joy if they are satisfied…my heart gets butterflies called love

The full time high maintenance job i have has few downsides but the most peculiar is feeling “wa7da sett”…not a girl, not a young woman, not even a woman…sometimes i get looked at as the out of every body’s league only because i have kids.

I know I know, lots of people do…it is the bliss of blessings…but, normal mothers don’t surround themselves with much younger single friends or relatives…well, although i’m hilarious by nature…i do feel the age crawling up (or down hehe) on me…although i do declare that the thirties are SOOO much better than the lame twenties.

Maybe because i no longer sleep, eat, go out, work or even watch TV when i want…I am loosing much needed freedom. nothing is forced on me though, i just have to…feelings of love mixed with obligation, care and fear make me never rest unless they are ok and fine… but at the same time i cherish the rare occasions when i steal a few hours to go out… i changed indeed

Now, I don’t care about myself very much. Now i can’t choose how to spend my time freely or which job i like to keep and which i have to resign from (and that career change is a whole different story that belongs to another post).

Now, I agree i will not drive until my vertigo cures because if i did and had one of those illusions of movement (yeah that’s precise as it’s not dizziness) i could experience flying with birds over some bridge…which at sometimes is not such a bad idea EXCEPT for my continuous fear of Allah and fear for my kids.

I had my medication a couple of hours ago and i feel slightly better now as i am in a frozen motion making my head so stiff and look forward…i can’t turn or else i get a spin

Upside is, I won’t be working for five days (hurraaaaaaaay, no ugly new boss)

So, I thought I’d write this thought down…book mark the roller coaster spinning in my head…and wish everyone a vertigo free long life

Salute

I receive – like many others – tens of forwarded emails daily. I can proudly claim i almost never forwarded an email to any one.

I receive – like most people – lots of spam…

NOW, i find it interesting that 99% of the forwarded emails are about relgion…containing touching stories and prayers…containing threats of eternity in hell…containing predictions of doomsday.

while most of the spam is male sexual organs related promising a longer….life and a stronger…ability which – according to them – will make everyone HAPPY.

SO…IT NEEDS NO ROCKET SCIENTIST TO REALIZE THAT people’s most desire is feeling ok with god and feeling great in bed.

it needs no genius to see that the 1% forwarded emails and spam concerning other topics are either lesieur or political.

so, faith…sex…money and power.

the four legs of the chair of life ( at least generally and according to the mass)

Those are the needs…the basic needs.

they seem normal to me yet i stopped to think about the religious part of these needs.

one day i was taught that faith is an instinct…that people search for something to worship by nature…that Allah directed us to him by so many ways since human kind…some people followed and some people thought the sun, moon, a strong animal, a mountain or even fire is a much more appealing god to them.

hundreds of years have passed and the world now know all about religions, examined a lot to proof the mighty power of god and selected a handful of choices of such beliefs.

I always believed that we have a choice to be delicate every time we handle people around us. I can say it or act it rude…i can be a mad person who snaps at people. i can be ruthless and cold hearted. yet i can always be delicate.

i think it is stupid to mix dishonesty with delicacy. i think i can be honest…even firm and sharp clear while I’m being delicate…it’s a style yet a choice.

Some people stop and choose to make that extra effort of being true delicate…and some people have chosen to be rude anyway.

the choice is all ours…

what keeps me on the ground – most of the time – is that i remind myself that i need what i give!

I went to dance in my canoe
Beyond the raging sea
And the sea roaring
Tells me that I stole
The unmatched light
From your eyes

Come to me to know if the sea is right
Come here and see me dancing my love

If I dance in my canoe
I won’t go to the raging sea
Won’t tell him where I’m going to sing
Smile, dance, live dream with you my love

I need to create a state where a debate is made on what i innovate.

What a slick cheesy note!

it’s too sa2eela for my taste…but the meaning behind it is really needed!

I need to judge my mind preferences…i realize that i need a jury to help me with a clear, honest and fair verdict…yes, i failed to find that among fellow humans so…maybe i should select what’s left from my “sane” braincells and use them for that judgment.

My fellow humans are too righteous, too cocky and have amnesia…they are very clever at flipping lips and gazing b2emte3ad at my flaws…i need a firm yet compassionate look in the eye that sees my shit right next to theirs.

It reminds me with times i spend by the pool, where we forget the sag and flab from our pregnancies and make fun of other’s cellulite!

Damn…what a life!

****

On another note (i agree that this post is messy), There is no 100% satisfaction about anything.

There’s no end for the taking…there’s a very narrow lane for the giving…and an eye – that is 7awla2 – for the beauty within.

I’m actually laughing – rather hysterically – about those pictures of thoughts i’m having now…although it’s 9 am Cairo time and i’m supposed to be heading for the office, i chose to stay off of work and give my poor nose time to dry up from the worst flue i had since…since…since quite a while :S

We, funny by nature – blukhhhh- Egyptians call my state now: tahyees…meaning, hilariously not focused bitter funny ahbal mood.

Have i mentioned that i think in pictures?!!

Well, I do…and that can be sooooooooooo funny and it can be excruciating!

Let me explain, but first…let me light a cigarette (my lungs are gonna sue me)…………………….back.

about the pictures in my head…they are a tad too much..exaggerated scenes from a complicated psycho movie, a hilarious farce comedy or a dark drama.

Not one time is it emotionless though…so, i guess it’s just like now…swinging between love boat and the titanic.

****

I am so thrilled my kids are back to school…they are focused, excited and organized doing something useful…regardless of the swine flue panic everyone is talking about…

I drove them to school yesterday (first day) and was about to cry when they attended the line then marched up to their classes…why?? it’s a mother’s thing that i have no explanation for.

I bet all very true relationships of love contain a couple of these…unexplained emotions…

anyways, I’ll cook mosa2a3a today…eat lots of candy and drink as much peach ice tea as possible.

Have a nice weekend

People of science might get a rash from this.

I don’t believe in the psychiatric theories of sanity. scientists researched and examined…people like freud spent their lives coming up with name tags to stick on behavior imbalances.

Well, I understand about illnesses of the mind and soul…and i understand loosing the average human ability to think in an organized rational way.

But, I never saw a sane person who’d confirm the sanity theory.

I think that scientists would have to examine each and every human being and call his type of sanity a different name…but to generalize a certain definition of sanity, is to curse human kind for ever and tame it with a certain meaning – even if its headline applies on the mass – and that would (as it happened already) make people follow a pattern of lies in order to fit in while in fact every single person is indulging his own unique kind of sanity/ insanity to the maximum…hidden it was or clear.

Clear, honest people who are not afraid to speak their minds, show their uniqueness and apply their rules are called insane.

Who’s sane??

According to whom and to which definition?

No one can answer that accurately…that’s how different people are.

So…why not stretch that mind a bit more and try to comprehend everyone’s difference among our narrow limited featured brain?

Just live…and let live.

Accept what we don’t know, don’t understand and don’t get.

Feel OK about what we never had and what we’ll never achieve.

It doesn’t have to change our personal views, we can still see the gay distasteful and the flowers just beds for bees….while we don’t have to spit on the first nor step on the latter.

Who’s sane?!!!

Won’t speak much about how that is…

I just found myself humming this oldie…

The same wondering…the same emotion…

Out here On my own

Truth is…truth can’t be handled…can’t be heard…offends people’s logic sometimes only because they take their logic way too general and way granted.

Truth is…we are artists at surrounding ourselves with unnecessary lists of things and treat it like science…

Just like tens of friends listed in a facebook account…who: have never been friends…may have never shared a thought, a laugh or even a word. people who may have been nice…once…twice maximum. people who would say hi out of obligation or boredom while they don’t really mean it (yes the hi) and while they really don’t give a damn about your reply…may it be that your dying…most probably they’ll get disconnected!

Truth is…friendships don’t need online confirmation, pics nor commenting…friendships…true friendships, should be….hmmm….TRUE!

Truth is…also… i’ve been thinking for a long time why my mom insists on having so much clutter in our house…what i see clutter is precious to her…unnecessary crowded items with no benefit and no substance…she needs things around her for security issues…age…lonlyness or our drifted family.

Worst type of clutter is human clutter…people we keep around for company…who mean nothing but a number on  a phone list that never rings or may cause damage if it did and a status message on msn that verifies they exist although they might be blocked/ appear offline.

Truth is…i made many mistakes in my life, got in so many trouble…and after a while, when the ugly truth hits me i realize i have to fix…but, how should i fix a mistake in a wrong way…then, i know…i have to fix from the start…to fix right…once and for all.

Truth is… a closed paradise of a house with no window nor door…choke to death!

Truth is…years from now…things are gonna look different, its value will differ…after the chances pass we cry and when they are offered generously we dance on them till they ware out.

Truth is…i waste too much time weighing things…choosing between two favorable things…and, i end up acting by chance…randomly…by heart sometimes..and i am positive that i’ll whip my own ass for my actions…one day! 

Truth is…I am fed up…don’t maintain my strength long enough…too tired and needy to get a grip.

Truth is…i may be gaining profound meanings of life but  i am loosing my anchor.

Truth is…how dull, sad, angry, too deep, too personal, too vague my posts are lately may have only a little to do with how life is for me.

Truth is…you can teach someone math, languages or how to read maps…but, never could teach them faith, love and hope

Truth is…I EARNED MY FREEDOM…I DESERVE EVERY TINY BIT OF IT…yet, i choose to save it for more meaningful life matters…more essential life matters.

Truth is…truth only hurts the untrue…

Two lists of little things that makes me happy/ irritated…

Irritated:

• I hate it when mom leaves the bathroom window open.
• I don’t like putting pillows in pillow cases.
• It gets on my nerves when the admin. manager keeps  visiting my office while walking around bored of having nothing to do…for2o3 looz!
• I dislike  the drive from home to work and back…same streets…same details…everyday…everyday…
• It makes me mad to want to go out yet can’t!
• throwing cigarettes in the toilet. grrrrrrrrrrrr
• an unfinished plate with no good reason.
• vinegar on beans, lemon on soup, sweet coffee, sour chocolate and ma2 zahr on water or desserts…bgad bgad ruins it!
• very very slow car in front of me on an empty road.
• mothers walking with their kids right next to the walking cars!
• hitting kids in the street…hitting aches my heart anyway…but on the street is just disgustingly cruel.
• people complaining i don’t call them enough…why the heck wouldn’t they call…and what is enough…bas bardo, i’m grateful they care :S
• unnecessary lies…yet necessary lies (if there’s such a thing) make me furious and sad.
• Gossip…and someone sharing any amount of stories or news related to me with a third party whoever that party is and for whatever reason…it really makes me feel…don’t know…just disappoints me because i rarely find a confident.

Happy:

• A good drive at night …great breeze moving my hair…great music…great company and a nice cold pinacolada
• chocolate + coffee + cigarette.
• getting my work done perfectly.
• Good Hotels.
• My kids laughing.
• Loved ones liking something i cooked.
• Good concerts.
• Giving the needy if i could.
• A call from a very old friend out of nowhere.
• cleaning my car (yes don’t do it often hehe)
• live or original Music giving to me.
• Singing full voice.
• Any tiny gesture of goodness…my heart sings.
• Winter sun
• having a walk by the Nile or by the beach…no crowds though!
• A new information….a new shortcut…a new road…a new idea…i get really impressed and excited zay el3eyal…o zay leh

Those are a few of my….little things.

I’m wounded,

Let me die alone…fast.

your ugly meaning reminds me of my pain…past.

let go of my hand

your eyes i can’t stand

your eyes push…demand

my heart to shut and withdraw

my mind to speak and know

the plot…

the cheat…

the con artist hidden inside your chest

where i had warm for my head to rest

and my love to glow

although

I’ve seen traps weaved with silk

sprinkled with sugar

yet hit

a thousand slap…and whip

that scars the inner soul

for summers to come, winter and fall…

the dreams

the passion that once seemed

real and more realm…

mine…all mine

sour, forbidden wine

erases my Divine

you…yes you

I hate my loving you

I hate the purity you stained

the ache that remained

through out every step of disappointment

and every tear i wept

you…yes you

I hate my loving you

how sick

how weired….your trick

how slick…your poison is

I’m wounded,

Let me die alone…fast.

your ugly meaning reminds me of my pain…past.

A trip to Alex was what i thought it would take to make me relax and enjoy myself…clear my mind and help me focus on what really matters at the moment…which is: my wellbeing!

I was at the most beautiful spot in the world…from my opinion…best place i would choose to be…watching my kids laugh and happy…feeling all freshened up with a new look that makes me feel a bit weird yet makes me glow…

 Not the greatest quality pic but the view from my room and more was breath taking.

Yet, I was distracted not pleasured…not fully distracted but…a change of scenery and going away does a lot to a person loaded for a long time…it makes the head clearer and the heart more vulnerable yet contained!

I thought about some major aspects in my life… family, friends, work and love.

my devotion to them all overwhelmed me with a great feeling of commitment…

I realize i am committed to my own set of morals…my book of rules as i call it…and i know it is filled with articles no one gets their logic…and i thought about the reason behind that…it is because the book is based on my logic of sentiment against life…not only rational thinking and mathematical equations…

The rules are emotionally based…maybe against myself…maybe…sometimes…as this is life and this is how people might at times take advantage of such emotion if not controlled by the giver.

Every time i think that i mastered something in life…life amazes me with a new angle in myself and in others…sometimes it is a concept that would surprise me…and sometimes it is an ability…

I never had a perfect time in that perfect destination in Alex…yet, i am thankful that i got to know such a beautiful place that is a relief to my exhausted eye.