I should never forget this day, yet i wish nothing but not remembering it.

The day I have realized that all the bad that ever happened to me throughout my life was from my own doing.

I should never forget those long, painful, stressful 100 days…those hundred days filled me with every human emotion that could ever exist…they were my curse, the price i had to pay for doing no crime… yet they held the most pure, sincere and profound emotions i have ever felt…I have not sacrificed anything…I was just being me…the loving me.

I should never forget the ten days following those 100…I should never forget the naked ugly truth that has prevailed…I should never forget every heavy seconds that held a vague scent of what i thought i knew…the severe alteration, the severe absence, the severe humiliation, the severe discovery that all I’ve been so positive i knew…is now a lie and all I’ve been so positive it’s true…is now fake.

I brought great shame to my life, and I have brought a sharp knife and carved FOOL deep in my chest and face.

I am only now acknowledging that goodness has no place amongst people…that kindness has no weight…that true love will never be appreciated…that being respectful is queer in this meaningless trash of a life.

I am only now confessing that no one could stay lie-free  and that lies are so easy to bring comfort, love and everything anyone could want only if he is a liar…and the worst liars are the ones lying to themselves.

I always thought that i am too old to make mistakes, too wise to fall in a trap, too experienced to be screwed…WRONG I am!

I was always told that i am too smart, too strong, too subtle and too kind…well, I have a 110 days full of thousands of proofs that i am anything but those…I have thousands of words to prove it…I have very LOUD and very CLEAR actions to prove that i am nothing but a FOOL!

It cuts like a knife to write those words down, burns like fire to face myself with that truth, i am ashamed of myself…for being that fool…for getting myself that vulnerable…for allowing “my soul” to kill my spirit…for allowing myself to give away: ME…

I have never seen such monstrous attacks from absent minds and pulsing hearts that are supposed to be: loving

yes, I am so hurt…so bitter…I feel slapped on the face from the whole universe.

Those tears i cry silently now aren’t from the sharp pain in my heart nor the stab in my back…and aren’t for the long time, emotion and energy i have put and invested wholeheartedly in a lost cause…they are not for the sweet dream that is turning into a nightmare…those tears, my precious tears that are not weak…yet they are hot…are not for the cheat.

Those tears are mourning a baby i had growing in my womb and the second it saw the light, it turned to a monster, stabbed me…and died.

No, it’s not a silly scene from a silly horror movie.

I should never forget that day…and I shall leave that post right here…in front of my eyes…i will read it everyday…i will remember my huge mistakes…the jeopardy i put my self, my kids and my life in…I want to remember the bleeding…I want to smell the burn…every single day…for another 110 days…and that would be my punishment for the crime i really committed…i will relive the hurt every single day…maybe then i would learn, once and for all that the fool that was once me…could no longer be.

It is the truth that scars me every second i remember that look in the eye…one eye that was half shut!